PART 1
First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief
1. Vortex
(The DOCTOR's TARDIS is drifting through the space/time vortex.)
2. MASTER's TARDIS
(The MASTER is watching the image on his scanner and chuckling. The image switches to a behind view of the DOCTOR operating the TARDIS console.)
MASTER: You are doomed Doctor. Doomed! you are piloting your TARDIS into a deadly trap and even you will not suspect until it's too late.
(He breaks into manic laughter.)
DOCTOR: You know, if you're going to spy on me you really should turn the speaker off.
MASTER: My dear Doctor, after our many centuries of conflict I wished you to know that your certain death is now... certain!
(He breaks into manic laughter again and switches the scanner off.)
But even you will not suspect that your destruction awaits you on Planet Zaston IV.
DOCTOR (oov): You only turned the picture off I'm afraid, I can still hear you.
MASTER: I know that. Of course I know that. Curse you!
DOCTOR: (oov): I wanted to talk to you anyway. I have some news that even my arch enemy needs to hear. Meet me on the Planet Terserus in two hours, relative time. And try not to be late.
MASTER: Mock me while you may, Doctor. My revenge will be all the sweeter. And it will be a deadly vengeance. It will be the deadly vengeance of deadly revenge!
3. Terserus
(Terserus is a bleak, rocky planet. On the top of a cliff stands a castle.)
4. Main Hall
(The DOCTOR's TARDIS materialises inside the castle. EMMA steps out followed by the DOCTOR.)
EMMA: Where are we Doctor?
DOCTOR: The Planet Terserus, once home to the Terserons, the most kindly and peace-loving race I've ever encountered. And yet one of the most shunned and abhored species of all history.
EMMA: Why?
DOCTOR: They could communicate only by precisely mondulated gastric emission.
EMMA: Oh no. Planet of the bottom-burps? So what happened to them?
DOCTOR: They discovered fire.
EMMA: Oh.
(Suddenly two fireballs hit them and they are held back against the wall. The MASTER strolls on.)
MASTER: No doubt because no one has set foot on this planet for a hundred years, you thought you had escaped my traps. But you forget Doctor, I too have a TARDIS. When you told me to meet you at Castle Terserus, I simply travelled back in time and bribed the architect. Say hello to the spikes of doom!
(The wall revolves around in a full circle. However, the DOCTOR and EMMA emerge seated on a sofa.)
DOCTOR: Say hello to the sofa of reasonable comfort. Naturally I anticipated your journey back in time, and so travelled slightly further back and bribed the architect first.
MASTER: Or so you think! Naturally I anticipated your travelling back in time, so I travelled back to an even further point. And I bribed the architect first.
(He aims his laser at the ceiling just above the DOCTOR and EMMA and a huge piece of rock falls on top of them. However, they simply step out of a door in the side.)
DOCTOR: Well naturally I anitcipated your journey back in time to an even earlier point...
EMMA: Doctor, will you stop showing off. You've got something to tell the Master, just tell him.
DOCTOR: Very well. I have recently calculated that I have saved every planet in the known universe a minimum number of 27 times. Well you know, I have grown weary of all the evil in the cosmos. All the cruelty, all the suffering, all those endless gravel quarries. And so I have decided to retire, settle down and get married.
MASTER: What?!
DOCTOR: Yes. Without even knowing I was looking, I have found a woman I love. A woman more fascinating than all my travels through time and space. A girl more exciting than an escape up a vetilation shaft. A lover more thrilling than an army of cybernetic slugs.
MASTER: Sadly Doctor, I am unable to wish you a long and happy marriage because the moment I am done with this nausiating conversation I shall travel back in time once more and buy the architect an expensive dinner and suggests that he puts a lever just here...
(He clutches a convinient lever in the wall next to him.)
...and a trapdoor leading to the vast and disgusting sewers of Terserus, exactly there!
(He points to where the DOCTOR and EMMA are standing.)
Prepare for 500 miles of fear and feisies. Goodbye, forever, Mr and Mrs Doctor!
Transcribed by Joseph Oldham.
END OF PART 1
"THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH"
PART 2
First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief
1. Main Hall
MASTER I shall travel back in time once more and buy the architect an expensive dinner and suggests he puts a lever just here...
(He grabs a convenient lever set in the wall.)
...and a trapdoor leading to the vast and disgusting sewers of Terserus, exactly there!
(He points to where the DOCTOR and EMMA are standing.)
Prepare for 500 miles of fear and feisies. Goodbye, forever, Mr and Mrs Doctor!
(The MASTER pulls the lever and immediately falls down a trapdoor underneath his feet. The DOCTOR and EMMA crouch by it.)
DOCTOR: Since you appear to have fallen down a sewer, you won't be able to have dinner with the architect. Although, in fact he's already eaten because I had dinner with him and suggested he puts a trapdoor right here. (to EMMA) Careful, my dear.
(Suddenly the doors at the end of the room burst open and the MASTER enters. His hair and beard are now long and grey and he is covered in slime.)
MASTER: Not so fast!
EMMA: How can he be here? He just fell in the sewers. And why's he so much older?
MASTER: Because it's taken me 312 years to climb out of those sewers.
DOCTOR: And naturally you found your TARDIS and travelled back in time to the present day. No doubt to wreak one of your terrible revenge things.
MASTER: (chuckles) Yes. But this time I did not come alone!
(A BLACK DALEK glides through the doorway followed by several other DALEKS. The DOCTOR backs away.)
After three centuries of having gone through those sewers, only the Daleks would accompany me. 'Cos only the Daleks don't have noses.
DALEK: So Doctor, we meet again.
DOCTOR: (calmly) Yes. How are things?
MASTER: Observe Doctor, I am no longer merely a Time Lord. My body has been augmented by superior Dalek technology.
(The MASTER pulls off his right glove to reveal a DALEK sucker arm.)
EMMA: So what can you do with that then?
MASTER: (taken aback) What?
EMMA: You don't know, do you?
BLACK DALEK: Exterminate!
DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate!
MASTER: Stop! No! After 312 years of climbing through the biggest and most disgusting sewers in the cosmos, after three centuries of wading through those vast steamy lakes, climbing those huge squelchy mountains, after a lifetime of only dung slugs for food and the occasional company on those long, lonely nights.
(The DOCTOR winces.)
After all that I'm going to kill the Doctor myself, with my own bare hands!
(He glances at the sucker arm irritably.)
Die Doctor, die!
(He charges forward with his hands outstretched. The DOCTOR and EMMA merely move out of the way and, with a scream, e falls down the trapdoor again.)
DOCTOR: (to the DALEKS) Don't worry, I believe he know's the way out.
(The MASTER bursts through the doors again and spits out a mouthful of slime.)
MASTER: 624 years in a sodding sewer!
DOCTOR: This way!
(The DOCTOR and EMMA run off narrowly avoiding the trapdoor. The MASTER points after them.)
MASTER: This way!
(The DALEKS glide off in pursuit.)
DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate!
2. Corridors
(The DOCTOR and EMMA run thorugh a series of identical corridors.)
3. Main Hall
(The DALEKS file past the MASTER.)
MASTER: After them you fools! Get them!
(The base of one DALEK pushes him through the trapdoor again. An even older MASTER hobbles past with crutches.)
936 years in a sewer. Wait for me! Wait for me!
4. Corridors
EMMA: These corridors all look the same!
(The DOCTOR spots a door.)
DOCTOR: We should be safe in here.
(They open it only to be confronted with dozens of chanting DALEKS.)
DALEKS: Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!
Transcribed by Joseph Oldham.
END OF PART 2
"THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH"
PART 3
First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief
1. Corridor
EMMA: These corridors all look the same!
(The DOCTOR spots a door.)
DOCTOR: We should be safe in here.
(They open it only to be confronted with dozens of chanting DALEKS.)
DALEKS: Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!
2. Dalek Ship
(The DOCTOR and EMMA are tied back to back on a chair in the DALEK ship. Various DALEKS are working at consoles nearby.)
EMMA: So given that exterminating you would be the most sensible thing to do, why do they always change their minds at the last moment?
DOCTOR: I'll explain later.
(The MASTER strolls on.)
MASTER: Behold! Once again I have been augmented by superior Dalek technology, rejuvinating my body and granting me more power over the cosmos.
(He pulls open his jacket.)
DOCTOR: And, I notice, breasts.
MASTER: They're not breasts, OK? They're Dalek bumps. They can detect ion charged emissions and operate as atheric beam locators at a distance of up to 20,000 light years.
(EMMA sniggers.)
They're also extremely firm.
EMMA: What are you trying to say?
MASTER: Oh, nothing.
DOCTOR: Why are the Daleks helping you? What are you giving them in return?
MASTER: I have granted them secrets of the Zectronic Energy Beam.
DOCTOR: Oh no, you fool! With the Zectronic Energy Beam the Daleks will be able to conquer the entire universe within minutes.
EMMA: With just a beam? How?
DOCTOR: I'll explain later.
BLACK DALEK: (to the MASTER) Prepare to operate the Zectronic Beam in five Dalek minutes.
MASTER: I obey.
(He goes over to a console at the back of the room.)
DOCTOR: (to the BLACK DALEK) You may conquer the universe but you'll have to share it with the beard and the bosoms over there.
BLACK DALEK: (quietly) The Master will be exterminated when he has served his purpose.
DOCTOR: (to EMMA) If the Master knew that the Daleks intend to kill him he might help us.
EMMA: How are you going to tell him without the Daleks hearing? They'll exterminate you on the spot if you say anything. I think we've really had it this time.
DOCTOR: Don't cancel our wedding yet, my darling, there's just one thing you've forgotten.
EMMA: What?
DOCTOR: Daleks don't have noses.
EMMA: Scraping the barrel a bit there, aren't you?
DOCTOR: Think my dear. Back on Terserus the Master and I both bribed the castle architect. Not only do I speak perfect Terseran but so does he.
EMMA: You mean..?
DOCTOR: Yes. I can communicate with the Master by carefully controlled breaking of wind.
EMMA: (to a DALEK guard) Could I be tied to a different chair?
DALEK: Silence.
EMMA: Why do you have chairs on a Dalek spaceship anyway?
DALEK: We will explain later.
(The DOCTOR screws up his face in concentration. The MASTER begins to sniff.)
MASTER: Danger?
(He looks at the DOCTOR who nods.)
You are facing certain doob... Cerain doob?
EMMA: Try not to clench.
(The DOCTOR nods again.)
MASTER: The Daleks... are planning... to exterminate you... as soon as you twiddley heepy jeepy...
EMMA: Sorry, that was me.
DALEK: Cease this communication!
BLACK DALEK: You have betrayed the Daleks!
(The DALEKS begin chorusing.)
DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate!
(The DALEKS fire at the MASTER who dodges out of the way and the beams hit the Zectronic Beam Controller. The DOCTOR, however, is not so lucky and falls to the floor. EMMA crouches over him.)
MASTER: (to the DALEKS) You fools! This Zectronic Beam Controller will now not only explode, it will implode. We're doomed.
BLACK DALEK: Repair the Zectronic Beam!
MASTER: It is beyond my ability. Only the Doctor can do it.
(He gestures towards the body.)
EMMA: Help him, he's dying. (to DOCTOR) Yes my darling?
MASTER: (sniffs) He er, he says "I love you".
EMMA: Oh Doctor. (to the DALEKS) You've killed him!
MASTER: I think not my child. This is only his ninth body. He has many, many more. Behold, the miracle of the Time Lord!
(The DOCTOR's face glows brightly and begins to change.)
Transcribed by Joseph Oldham.
END OF PART 3
"THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH"
PART 4
First Broadcast 12th March 1999 as part of Comic Relief
1. Dalek Ship
MASTER: Behold, the miracle of the Time Lord!
(The new younger DOCTOR stands up.)
TENTH DOCTOR: Oh, sorry about that. I just though I'd slip into something more comfortable.
(He checks himself in a mirror.)
Result? Cute, sexy and lick-the-mirror handsome.
(He licks the mirror then turns to the MASTER.)
I remember you don't I?
MASTER: And you still fear me, Doctor?
TENTH DOCTOR: You're the camp one.
MASTER: I'm not camp.
TENTH DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Nice tits.
MASTER: Bumps.
TENTH DOCTOR: (to the DALEKS) I remember you lot of course. (to EMMA) And, er, you're my finacee?
EMMA: You remember me then?
TENTH DOCTOR: How could I possibly forget the only time-travelling companion I've ever had?
EMMA: You've had lots of companions.
TENTH DOCTOR: The only time-travelling companion I've had.
EMMA: Oh right.
(He pulls EMMA close.)
TENTH DOCTOR: It's still me in here, Emma. These old hearts are still yours. Can you still love me in my new body?
EMMA: Actually I don't think I'll have to much of a problem with that. Er, back to the TARDIS?
(They run to the TARDIS which is in the corner of the room.)
BLACK DALEK: The Zectronic Beam Controller is going to explode!
DALEK: Help us Doctor and you're life will be spared.
TENTH DOCTOR: What better way to end my career than saving you metal gits? (to EMMA) Pop into the TARDIS, get a bottle of good champagne. When you get out we'll celebrate the beginning of our new life together.
EMMA: Great.
(EMMA enters the TARDIS while the DOCTOR goes over to the Zectronic Beam Controller.)
TENTH DOCTOR: I think in my new body I'm going to be particually good at rewiring.
(He reaches around the back of the console. There is an explosion and another DOCTOR staggers out.)
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Ooh, bugger.
(EMMA returns.)
EMMA: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Ah. You're my finacee aren't you? Oh dear.
(He hops accross to the other side of the room.)
Seem to be a bit shy of girls now. All the problems of changing personas. So unpredictable.
EMMA: Doctor, look at me.
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: In a minute.
(The MASTER emerges from a corridor in the background.)
Oh dear, another girl.
MASTER: I'm not a girl, Doctor, I've told you before. These are Dalek bumps. They can locate syntheric beam emissions and... everything.
EMMA: So, er, you don't want to try again, do you?
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Yes, probably not a bad idea, actually. Shouldn't be too much of a problem.
(The DOCTOR reaches behind the Zectronic Beam Controller again.)
Actually, I think the problems probably located in this area.
(He heads off down the corridor and around the corner. There is another explosion and yet another DOCTOR staggers out.)
EMMA: <???>
TWELFTH DOCTOR: Oh dear, look at that. I've gone and used up three bodies in just under a minute, and all because I forgot to unplug first. That really was terribly silly of me.
(He unplugs the Controller.)
Sorry about that my dear, bit unfortunate.
EMMA: Doctor!
TWELFTH DOCTOR: Oh assistant!
(Suddenly a beam strikes the DOCTOR from behind but this is from no DALEK gun. The DOCTOR falls down by the TARDIS and EMMA crouches over him.)
EMMA: Doctor!
TWELFTH DOCTOR: Residual energy. I'm a stupid ass, I should have realised.
BLACK DALEK: The Doctor has saved the Daleks, his life will be spared.
(The MASTER kneels down beside the DOCTOR.)
MASTER: No. His life is already lost. That was a discharge of pure Zectronic Energy. Even a Time Lord cannot survive its terrible power.
EMMA: But he can just change again, can't you Doctor?
TWELFTH DOCTOR: I'm afraid not, my dear. Zectronic Energy... too powerful. It has destroyed my ability to regenerate. I'm afraid this is, the end. Look after the universe for me, I've put a lot of work into it.
EMMA: But how can we look after it without you?
TWELFTH DOCTOR: I'll... explain...
(The DOCTOR sighs and goes limp.)
EMMA: Doctor, listen to me. You can't die, you're too... You're too nice. Too brave, too kind and far, far too silly. You're like Father Christmas! The Wizard of Oz! Scooby Doo! And I love you very much. And we all need you and you simply cannot die!
MASTER: He was the best and bravest of all my foes. From this day forward I shall renounce evil and follow the path of goodness to honour my fallen foe.
BLACK DALEK: The Doctor saved the Daleks. The Daleks too will honour their mortal enemy.
EMMA: He was never cruel and never cowardly, and it'll never be safe to be scared again.
(The MASTER leads EMMA off down the corridor. But behind them the DOCTOR's face glows and begins to change again. They turn round and the MASTER gasps.)
MASTER: It's impossible! Beyond all known laws of the universe!
EMMA: Maybe even the universe can't bear to be without the Doctor.
(The new DOCTOR stands up but there is definately something different this time.)
THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: Emma, look, I've got atheric beam locators.
EMMA: No Doctor, I'm afraid those are actual breasts.
THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: (peering down coat) Are you sure? I think I can see the 'on' switch.
EMMA: No Doctor, we have to face facts. You've come back to life and this time you're a woman.
THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: Really? I've always wanted to get my hands on one of these.
(She feels her body with her hands.)
EMMA: Unfortunately, I haven't.
THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: You're mother's going to get a bit of a surprise at the wedding, isn't she? Do you think we'll both wear white?
EMMA: I'm afraid Doctor, and I'm not sure if this sentence has ever been used so completely accurately before but, you're just not the man I fell in love with.
THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: Well never mind. We can still rattle around the universe, fighting monsters and saving planets. What could be more fun? My best friend by my side, my trusty old TARDIS and, of course...
(She pulls out a familiar object.)
...my sonic screwdriver.
(She switches it on a it begins to vibrate.)
Ooh look, it's got three settings!
EMMA: Doctor, stop that!
(EMMA snatches it off the DOCTOR and storms off.)
MASTER: Doctor, I have to say you are rather gorgeous.
THIRTEENTH DOCTOR: I'm not bad, am I? And come to think of it, you're a great deal more attractive than I remember.
MASTER: Why, thank you.
DOCTOR: Tell me, why do they call you "the Master"?
MASTER: I'll explain later.
(The MASTER bursts into manic laughter as the walk off down the corridor, arm in arm.)
END OF PART 4
EPILOGUE: Main Hall, Castle Terserus
(The NINTH DOCTOR walks up to the TARDIS.)
DOCTOR: When I want to save the world I use a phone box, but you can do it from home. 0345 460 460.
(The numbers appear in a caption beneath him.)
Transcribed by Joseph Oldham
0 comments:
Post a Comment